


Sometimes you end up lost before you're found

by thefingergunsgirl



Series: Another Night On Mars [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: (Logan's parents are bad, Abuse, Angst, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Anxiety, Fluff, Gen, High School AU, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Slushies, Suicide mention, best buds analogical, breakdowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 16:54:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24260158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefingergunsgirl/pseuds/thefingergunsgirl
Summary: Sometimes Logan feels he's drowning in the sea of his emotions, but Virgil is there to help him to shore.OR: Logan is having a bad day and a breakdown; Virgil helps him off the edge and gives him a slushy.(You don't have to read the first work to understand this one)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: Another Night On Mars [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1738879
Comments: 13
Kudos: 103





	Sometimes you end up lost before you're found

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is dedicated to everyone stuck living with parents who don't treat them the way they should be treated. y'all are amazing.
> 
> Also dedicated to my best bud @j4cket they are why I continue to write this AU, and they're so supportive and nice!

Logan can feel the bad day prying at his chest. Gravity has no mercy when it pulls, everything falls. He wants to lie in bed forever, but he knows his mom will start screaming at him if he doesn’t get out of bed in about 90 seconds. 

He gets up, even though every part of him is so tired because that is what fear does to Logan. He’s not even sure who he is without it. He gets up and puts on a pair of freshly washed jeans. He throws on a black polo and a blue tie. Serious people wear ties, that’s what his father always says. Logan is a serious person. He doesn’t have feelings. He can’t have feelings. If he starts to feel he will drown and never come up for air.

He slides on his shoes and walks out of his room to the kitchen. It’s instinctive to step on the floorboards he knows will not creak. 

His parents are already in the kitchen tapping away on their phones, and Logan doesn’t announce his presence. He knows better than to ask for food. He stopped when he was nine. 

That was when he learned that children were meant to be seen, not heard. That was when Logan learned that he is worthless. 

His father turns to glare at him, and Logan forces his face into a straight line and stills himself when really all he wants to do is run. 

“Did you finish all your homework, Logan.”

Logan will not stutter or avoid eye contact.

“Yes sir.”

“Good.” 

his mom drives him to school and Logan is so grateful that she has a work call because it means less attention to him.

Logan doesn’t know if he can handle being called worthless anymore, but he will do anything to keep his mom calm. He would agree to anything. 

When they get to school all Logan’s mom says to him is, “Don’t mess it up.” 

No ”I love you”. No “I’m proud of you.” No “Have a good day”. 

Why is it bothering Logan so much today? This is how it’s always been and always will be.

Sometimes it’s too much. The way he can hear the I love yous and the have a great day sweethearts floating around the parking lot knowing that he’ll never get any of that. 

His hands are shaking but Logan shoves them in his pockets and it’s like nothing is wrong.

Logan will put on a smile and raise his hand in class like the model student he is, and pretend he’s not cracking on the inside. 

Virgil isn't in any of his classes and Logan isn't sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. On one hand, Virgil is like a life raft in a raging ocean and he grounds Logan better than anyone else. But on the other hand, Virgil will notice Logan is drowning. 

After his third period, Logan makes a quick trip to his Locker before class to put away his books, but before he can he feels a hand grab him on the shoulder. 

Years and years of conditioning make Logan react. He flinches violently at the touch and his books fall out of is arms 

_ DangerDangerDangerDangerDangerDanger _

Logan is going to get hurt. He’s going to get pushed and shoved and slapped until his entire body is on fire. He is so tired of it. He is so so sick of being afraid. He wants to cry, but he ran out of tears a long time ago. 

Logan takes a deep breath and goes to reach for his books but Virgil gets there first. 

_ Virgil _

Shit. Logan flinched away from the only person who has been kind to him. Virgil is going to leave because Logan is too broken to love and he is going to be alone again. The darkness is suffocating.

Virgil doesn’t leave, he just hands Logan his books. His eyes are sad.

“I’m so sorry I touched you without warning Logan,” Virgil says softly.

Logan can feel himself begin to break.

“I-it’s ok” He chokes out. 

He’s lying, things are so far from okay. 

“Skip class with me,” Virgil says.

“What?” 

“You shouldn’t be in class right now,” Virgil says.

“I can’t skip class Virgil, my parents would be furious,” Logan says, and something dark overcomes Virgil’s eyes. 

“You have art next right?” Virgil asks, and Logan nods.

“Mr. Rivers is asleep most of the time, I’ve skipped so many times I promise it will be fine,” Virgil says. Logan knows this is a bad idea, he knows exactly how much trouble he will be in if he agrees. 

“Ok.” He says and he can’t believe he’s doing this. 

Virgil grins and jerks his head in a universal motion for saying follow me. Logan quickly shoves his books into his locker and follows Virgil outside of the high school. 

——-

In Virgil’s car, the radio is turned on low and Virgil starts driving. Logan has no clue where he’s being taken, and he doesn’t dare ask. 

Five minutes into their drive Virgil rests his right hand on the armrest between their seats. 

Five minutes later Logan hesitantly moves his hand on top of Virgil’s. Virgil’s hand is warm and big and solid. Logan threads his fingers through Virgil’s and tries not to look at Virgil to see his reaction. 

Virgil keeps his eyes on the road while he softly squeezes Logan’s hand. 

—————

When Virgil’s car parks and he climbs out, Logan finally takes a look at his surroundings. It’s a park. A small one, with a few trees and benches. A soft breeze is in the air, and Logan can feel the warmth of the sunlight on his arms. 

Virgil sits down on a park bench, and Logan sits down next to him.

Virgil turns to him, “Logan.”

“Yeah?” Logan refuses to look at Logan. 

“You know you could tell me anything right? Whatever’s bothering you, I would be happy to listen.” Virgil says.

Logan knows how to deal with disgust and hatred and anger. He knows how to deal with bruises and cuts. He knows how to deal with apathy.

He does not know how to deal with kindness.

Logan freezes, “I can’t tell you, I just..I-I” Logan stutters, and breathing seems to get harder and harder. The waves are getting bigger.

Virgil reaches a hand forward and then pulls it back. “It’s ok, Logan.” He says and if only that were true. 

Logan stands up suddenly, “No it’s not! I’m not okay!” Is this what breaking feels like? “I’m terrified of everything all the time. I don’t even know who I am without it. I’m scared of doors slamming and getting anything below an A+. I’m so scared of saying the wrong thing. I’m scared of my parents, how pathetic is that?” 

Logan can feel himself choking and the hot tears rolling down his cheeks, but he keeps going. “I’m so sick of being afraid. I’m tired of stopping myself from flinching every time someone raises their voice and I’m tired of never being able to relax. I’m tired of failing and being worthless and-” Logan’s chest feels like it’s caving in, “Everyone else’s parents say I love you but I’ve never heard it because I’m so worthless.” The tears are clouding his vision, “I’ve never been hugged in my life and I can’t stop thinking about it because I’m so weak.” 

  
  


“I don’t even know who I am because I’ve spent my entire life trying to pacify everyone else. My parents want me to be a neurosurgeon. I’m supposed to want to go to MIT or Harvard but I don’t know what I want! I don’t even know if I want to be alive!” Logan roars. 

Logan barely has time to finish his sentence before Virgil comes crashing into him. At first, Logan thinks Virgil is finally attacking him but then it finally hits him. This is a  _ hug. _ Virgil’s arms are heavy and warm around Logan’s back. His heartbeat is slow and steady. He smells like ink and coffee and  _ home.  _ The ocean waves stop crashing. For the first time, Logan feels genuinely safe. Virgil’s hugs make the outside world seem like nothing more than a bad dream, and Logan never wants to let go.

When Virgil finally pulls away, he wraps one arm around Logan’s shoulders and says, “C’mon, a slushy would really hit the spot right now.” 

Logan can’t argue with that Logic. 

  
  


Virgil and Logan climb back into Virgil’s beat-up blue car. Logan clicks in his seatbelt, and Virgil starts driving. He turns the radio on low. Taylor swift’s voice fills the car, and Virgil starts singing. To Talyor’s 22. 

“It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters And make fun of our exes.” He sings. It’s so bad. He’s off-key and off rhythm. Logan doesn't know how it’s possible for someone to have such a wildly contradictory music taste. But Virgil is so alive. He flows with the music, and his bangs swing in front of his eyes. He taps his fingers against the steering wheel. Virgil is so alive, and maybe if Logan stay with him eventually he will be too 

Logan doesn’t know why, but he starts singing. “I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-two”

  
  


Virgil let’s out a whoop and turns the radio up loud, “everything will be okay if you keep me next to you.”

This is illogical. It is illogical to be singing to a 2012 pop song with Virgil at 12:30 pm when he should be in class. It is ridiculous, but Logan doesn’t want to stop. 

Singing with Virgil in his run-down car makes Logan feel less like a victim and more a survivor. 

\------

When the two of them get to the 7/11 Virgil unclicks his seat belt and says, “I’ll be back before you can say falsehood.” 

Virgil is incorrect but Logan is getting better at recognizing his bizarre type of humor. 

Virgil comes back about 5 minutes and 29 seconds later with a blue raspberry slushie in one hand and a cherry slushy in the other. He hands Logan his blue slushy and climbs back in the car.

“Sorry I took so long, I had to stop Janus from unplugging the slushy machines,” Virgil says, and Logan blinks, he has no clue who Janus is but he doesn’t comment on it. 

“It’s ok,” Logan says. 

Virgil smiles at him, and Logan knows what’s coming next. Virgil is probably going to want to talk about the fact that he had a mental breakdown an hour ago.

Logan starts talking before Virgil can ask, “I’m sorry about what happened at the park, I let my emotions get the better of me, and it won't happen again. I know what happened to your dad, and I promise you won’t have to bury another body.” 

Virgil stares at him for a few seconds and then starts laughing. Logan knows enough about people to realize that this is not a good laugh. This is angry and manic, and Logan has to remind himself that Virgil won’t hurt him.

“That is such fucking bullshit Logan” Virgil snaps, and Logan can’t help it, he flinches. 

Virgil softens his posture a little and says, “I’m not worried about burying another body you idiot, I’m worried about losing my best friend.” 

All Logan can say is, “Oh.” 

“Yeah, oh.” Virgil says, taking another sip of his slushy, “You are so amazing Logan, I wish you could see yourself the way I do.” 

“No I’m not,” Logan says, and he doesn’t know how to function. Kindness is an anomaly to him. 

“Yes, you are!” Virgil insists, “You’re passionate and smart, you’re hard-working and funny and…” Virgil takes a deep breath, “I’ve never had any friends before you Logan. The day Martin Addison posted the dumb video I felt so alone. My mom had gotten drunk the night before and I was so tired of existing. But then this kid came up to my table and sat down next to me. He started talking about space. And he kept coming to my table day after day. You saved my life, Logan. Please let me do the same for you.” 

Logan closes his eyes. He should say no, he should deny it ever happened, but instead, he just says, “Ok.” 

Maybe things aren’t ok right now. Maybe things won’t be ok tomorrow, or next week. But sitting here slurping slushies with Virgil, Logan thinks maybe one day they will be. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I really hope this fic was realistic, while my parents have some toxic tendencies, luckily I have never been in an abusive situation. I've seen it happen to some of my friends and I've done some research, but let me know if I'm not portraying this issue seriously and accurately.
> 
> If you're in a situation like Logan's, please get some help, I'm open to chatting or you could call this hotline, https://www.childhelp.org/childhelp-hotline/
> 
> Kudos and comments are appreciated <3
> 
> come scream at me on tumblr @thefingergunsgirl


End file.
